Nothing More Than Feelings

I have been up since before 3 AM listening to the rain softly falling outside. While it is a nice sound and the breeze was gently blowing in my bedroom window, I do wish I was able to go back to sleep. Prayer was difficult so I just decided to rest in the Lord until I decided to get out of bed at 4:30.  This is probably not good for facing a day of work.

I thought perhaps it is a good time to write a post.  I haven't done so in awhile. Call it writer's block. My journal entries are even brief as of late. I get all these ideas in my head about what to write about, but when it comes time to do it my mind goes blank. It is not that I don't reflect on things, for I do that a lot, but the words just don't make it onto paper, or the screen in this case.

For awhile I have been giving a lot of thought to the concept of feelings. Yesterday I viewed a post on Facebook that again got me reflecting on feelings. Thanks Karla for posting it. It expresses much of what I was thinking about.  I have heard it said, and have also come to the realization on my own, that we put too much emphasis on our feelings. Everything seems to be about how I feel or how I don't feel. Don't say this or that for it might hurt someone's feelings. Feelings are most important, never mind what is the truth. Even within my Catholic circles people are saying that it is all about feelings.  I don't believe that anymore.

I have discovered that feelings can be deceiving and can also keep me from discovering the reality about who I am. I feel hurt by someone, so I shut down, or start feeling sorry for myself. Yet I believe that feelings, positive or negative, can be a starting point for self reflection, for asking the big question, "why do I feel this way?"

When it comes to God, that's where feelings can really get in the way. We often think that God must make us feel good.  Well there are many times when I just don't feel good, when I just don't feel God's presence. This had happened more often in the past few years.  I could have just thought that God has abandoned me, although based on things that have happened in my life I know that He hasn't, but I just don't get those nice feelings with regard to God.  I have come to realize that that's OK. It all comes down to faith.

Faith is not a feeling. My friend Sandy has a favorite Bible quote; "Faith is the confidence in what is hoped for, and the assurance of things not seen." (Heb. 1:1). In 2 Corinthians 5:7, Paul writes, "we walk by faith and not by sight."  For me these passages confirm my thoughts that just as our senses can deceive us with regard to our faith, feelings can as well. Faith is a gift that is available to all who are open to receiving it. Faith gets us though the hard times, even when we feel like all is falling apart, even when our feelings are hurt, or when our feelings are saying that God has abandoned us.

Reading John of the Cross has helped me a lot with regard to relying on senses and feelings when it comes to faith and my relationship with God. When we let go of our desires to "feel good" or to "sense God" and to simply trust in His Love, knowing that He is always with us, that is when we can begin to attain true union with God. And the closer we get to union with God, the more our feelings do not dominate us and our relationships with others. I haven't arrived there yet, but I'm working on it.

What's in a Name?

The Incredulity of St. Thomas by Caravaggio

I was thinking today that  St. Thomas goes down in history with the name Doubting Thomas. It seems a shame that one little mistake and he gets saddled with this moniker for all eternity. I mean really, who wouldn't have doubted. You hear from your friends that someone you knew was dead is now alive. It's only been a week, they were grieving, maybe drank a bit too much wine.  Who wouldn't have said "prove it?" You don't hear Peter referred to as Denying Peter, or Paul called Persecutor Paul. So why pick on poor Thomas?

I don't know about you, but I have my doubts at times about all this God stuff and Jesus and everlasting life. My goodness, even great saints like Therese and Mother Theresa had doubts. People all the time wonder about the truth of it all. The important thing is what you do with those doubts.  Jesus appeared to Thomas and told him to touch His wounds.  Thomas probably felt a bit embarrassed but then he proclaimed, "My Lord and my God!"  What a statement of faith!  He then went on to evangelize India and did so well that today is a great feast there,

We, in a way, are privileged.  We have 2,000 years of the faith of others to lead us in ours. We have the Gospels and epistles and the Fathers of the Church who handed down to us the teachings of Our Lord and showed us the Truth contained in the faith. 

But then what of  this title of Thomas.  What if we were known for eternity by the one BIG mistake we made in our lives.  I can just hear it...Adulteress Audrey, Embezzler Frank, Susan the Proud, etc., etc.  What a way to be remembered. Then again, it shows the great Love and Mercy that Jesus shows those who sin and seek forgiveness. The Doubter becomes a great saint.  I'd like to be a great saint.  Well, maybe not a great one but a saint none the less. And I just want to be known as Jo-Ann, plain and simple, if you please.

You Got to Have Faith

Last week when reading a meditation by Ruth Burrows in  Magnificat, this line caught my attention.  She writes,

Faith is not a thing of the mind; it is not an intellectual certainty or a felt conviction. It is a sustained decision to take God with utter seriousness as the God of my life.

I spent a lot of time this week reflecting on this.  I was always taught that faith was a gift bestowed by a gracious God whose only desire is for us to love Him and to share in His life. Yes, faith is a gift, but it is a gift I must accept with the same Love in which it was given. 

When someone tells me to have faith in God, he or she is telling me to open up my heart to God, to hear and listen intently to His Word, to his commands.  But faith goes beyond listening, for we all know that  often when we listen it goes in one ear and out the other, Faith demands a response on my part. Faith requires that I say "yes" to God every minute of every day. I have to take my faith seriously.

Many people can say "I believe," but I don't think all believers have true faith. Faith is different than belief. I believe Satan exists, but I hope and pray I would never put my faith in him. Faith involves trust. For me to say, "Jesus, I trust in you," is an act of faith, an act of total abandonment to the Lord. Faith is also not a one shot deal. I must recommit myself to Christ each day. For faith to grow I can not just sit back and wait for it to happen,

Lent is a time when we do the work of faith, when we make that conscious decision to focus on the Lord. We fast, we do acts of penance, we increase our prayer life, and we do acts of charity. Do we do these things as some sort of religious Great Race or Survivor hoping that we complete the difficult tasks that we assign ourselves to win some prize. No! Lent gives us the opportunity to look at our faith life, to take our relationship with God to the next step, and to decide for God in deeper ways. But for this to happen, we need to come before Him with open hearts, with humility, and with trust.

Oh Lord, increase my faith.

Patience and Healing

Healing the Bleeding Woman
Catacomb of St. Peter and St. Marcellinus

My surgery for tomorrow (Monday) has been delayed a few hours.  That's good and bad. The good news is I can sleep later and go to Mass in the morning. The bad news is that I still have to fast from 11:00 tonight.  I am usually asleep by 10 PM so that is not a problem, but if I don't have my coffee and at least something for breakfast then I get a headache and feel sick until I get the cup of java and some protein.  I can't even receive communion at Mass.  As the sisters would always say, "Offer it up."  I guess there is some wisdom there. So I will offer it for those who go hungry each and every day.

So the Lord is asking me to be a bit more patient.  I have been OK anticipating the surgery and it seems half the people I have asked to pray for me have had this surgery or knows someone in their family who has. I have received a lot of advice with regard to recovery, the most important being not to do much at all for the first three days or longer.  I am not the kind of person who could lay around all day doing nothing, but I am being forced to. I will have to have patience with the healing process.

It seems that it's important to be patient when seeking spiritual healing as well. For most of us, spiritual healing doesn't happen in a flash of a moment, but slowly after a period of time.  During this time we need to be open to the Spirit working in us and on us to bring about what we need to grow in our relationship with God, to heal from what ever it is that may keep us from being all that God wants us to be. But it takes faith and trust. Just as the woman who sought healing by touching the hem of Jesus' cloak, so too I must approach the Lord knowing that whatever I ask He will give me if it is in accord with His will for me. 

Perhaps during this time of physical healing, instead of spending hours watching HGTV and useless talk shows. I could spend time focusing on the Lord. I am sure He has a lot to say to me. Hopefully I will do some painting as I started a new canvas, and catch up on some reading and writing as well.  All these things are good for my spiritual well being. Maybe I will uncover something or grow in the creative gifts the Lord has given me...and that would be very good.

Celebrate who we are.

Deacon Greg over at The Deacon's Bench posted this video yesterday. Isn't it great to see young people celebrating our Cathoic faith!  This is what the New Evangelization is about...getting the word out to our young people (and us older folks too).

Another Dark Night

As much of an inconvenience the power outage brought about by Irene is causing, in one way it is not as bad as most people make it out to be. Yes the food in my freezer is thawing out, but I figure that we can have a big Labor Day weekend BBQ and invite a lot of people to come enjoy the burgers, sausage and ribs.  We might have to take a few cold showers but so far in the three days without electricity, there is still warm water in the water tank.  I have been making morning coffee, breakfast and dinner on the grill.  I can charge my phone and computer at work (and check my e-mail and blogs), and it remains light enough to work outside the house cleaning up what Irene left behind, which is nothing more than lots of leaves and twigs. 

My husband and I have been campers since we were married, so we are considering this a campout, with a few more luxuries, like a toilet, sink and running water.  Last night we took all the twigs we collected and some wood left over from a tree we cut down last year and made a fire in the yard.  Then we did something that we usually don't do after dinner.  We sat and talked, and talked, and talked.  Perhaps in this age of Facebook, the internet, blogs, HDTV and cell phones, we needed something like this storm to get us back to basics.  Real conversation I believe is becoming a rarity these days.  It is so much easier to become a couch potato and sit in front of the TV or computer after dinner than to sit with family and talk about what is going on in our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our fears and even our faith. After my husband went in for the night, I remained outside watching the fire burn down and watched the stars come out. Without lights in our surburban neighborhood, the stars were more visible that they usually would be.  I started to pray these lines from Psalm 8.

When I see your heavens, the work of your hands,

the moon and the stars which you arranged,

What is man that you should keep him in mind,

mortal man that you care for him.

Speaking of faith, I find the silence (except for the noisy generator from the neighbor across the street), is a boon to my prayer life.  Many times when I try to pray at home I have to compete with the TV, music, and phone.  Now there is a stillness and a quiet that is so conducive to prayer.  I will miss that when the lights come back on.  Then there are the candles...lots of them. There is something about candlelight that is calm and serene.  I love praying by candlelight.  I am reminded of my reteat last summer where Compline was always prayed by the light of candle, or the Easter Vigil when the Paschal Candle is processed in and slowly the whole church is bathed in candlelight.  The fact that Christ is our Light, the One who lights our way in the darkness, comes across so beautifully when all you have is candlelight.

Lest I sound hopelessly romantic about the lack of electricity, I do hope the power comes back soon. Last time we lost it for five days and the cold showers got a bit too cold, I longed for real milk in my coffee, a good football game on TV, and I started going through internet withdrawal.  But for now it is an adventure, a time to rediscover some of the things we've lost, a time to set priorities, and a time to realize that living a complicated, noise filled, technology dominated life isn't all its cut out to be and that what's really important are relationships, relationships with God, with family and with friends.  So the blackout  is really a blessing.  Who knows, maybe I'll choose one night a week to have a "blackout" night. 

Are you ready - part II

I had a little fun on the blog last night, but in a way we can take a lesson from football fever.  What is it about the game that turns ordinary men and women into crazed fans.  I mean think of it.  How many grown people normally paint their face (and bodies) in bright colors, wear cheese or other outrageous paraphernalia on the heads and pay exorbitant amounts of money to sit in a freezing stadium and consume overpriced beer and hot dogs?  Why do we get excited over 25 year old boys who make million dollar salaries to run down a field?  Why?  It's fun and gets you excited about something. We like to see our team win. Yet as I wrote last night, I wonder what would happen if we got that excited about Jesus, about our faith in God?

That is exactly what is happening this week in Madrid. While many here in the states were getting ready for football season, others were getting ready for another event. This week over a million young people are gathered to get excited about Jesus, about our faith and about our Church as they participate in World Youth Day.  This spectacular event, lasting almost a whole week, was begun by Pope John Paul II in 1985, and affords young people throughout the world the opportunity to celebrate their belief in Christ together.  It is truly wonderful to see, even if only from my computer screen or on TV, all those young people learning about the faith, praying, praising the Lord, spending time in adoration, and outwardly expressing their faith.  It should give us hope that the future of the Church is assured.  Who knows how many of our future priests, religious and maybe even a future pope are in Madrid this week.  They need our prayers, as do all our children who are being bombarded with so many things that go against the Christian way of life. They are an example to all of us.