September 26, 2011

Amazing Grace

I have read where it could happen that when an ovary is removed a hormone imbalance can occur and the woman can feel a bit of depression.  It has been a week since my surgery and today I am feeling that sense of depression.  Part of it I can probably attribute to cabin fever.  I did venture out a bit this past weekend but maybe I did a bit too much because today I feel a bit of discomfort and tiredness. Part of it could be because I have had enough of doing the same thing day after day. Part of it is loneliness as I haven't had any visitors.  I would venture that a big part of it is restriction of my busy and active life.

This got me to thinking about all those who are homebound, hospitalized or confined to nursing homes or assisted living facilities.  Many spend hours and hours alone, with no one visiting them, with nothing to do.  Many elderly experience depression.  I am experiencing it after a week but I know that I will be back to work by Sunday and hopefully be cleared to engage in my regular activity.  Most of these people face this day after day for years until the Lord finally takes them home. How difficult it must be for them.

Perhaps it is a grace that God is allowing me to experience some of this.  I have to pray with it, but what is it that God is telling me, what is God asking of me through this experience. Perhaps He is calling me to expand my ministry or just calling me out of my own selfishness and look toward the needs of the lonely.  I am not sure.

Grace works in strange ways sometimes.  Sometimes it is subtle and sometimes it hits us like a brick.  I know I like to think of Grace as something gentle, a wonderful consolation that comes to us and evokes good feelings and joy.  Yes, Grace can be like that, but it can also be something that comes crashing in on us, it could hurt and make us feel like running away from it.  This second kind is what Dietrich Bonhoffer calls "costly Grace."  He writes in the Cost of Discipleship:
Costly grace confronts us as a gracious call to follow Jesus, it comes as a word of forgiveness to the broken spirit and the contrite heart. It is costly because it compels a man to submit to the yoke of Christ and follow him; it is grace because Jesus says: "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I have been confronted this week with many new feelings and experiences. As I continue to heal my body, I know that God is also working on healing my soul.  Yes, Grace is amazing, isn't it.

1 comment:

  1. Feel better, Mom. Only a few more days together. But I know how you feel. Sometimes having nothing to do is worse than being too busy. Life is about balance. Now you know both sides. :)