Regrets, I've had a few...

I haven't posted in well over a month and a half. It is not that I didn't have anything to say but things just got away from me between work, a major writing assignment, my daughter's shower and wedding planning, my husband's retirement and getting ready for summer. I just didn't have it in me to do one more thing.

So summer is here and it has been 100 degrees here in NY, but it is nice an cool sitting on the deck here this morning. I was awakened at 4:00 AM by a giant party bus bringing home the neighbors' kids from their senior prom. Oh those were the days. Wait a minute...I didn't go to my prom.  Seems I missed out on a lot of things at that age.  I guess you could say I was a bit nerdy and a goody-goody.  But I have no regrets about that.

Speaking of regrets, the thought of regrets has occupied much of my spiritual reflection as of late. It seems that in my journey of growing closer to God, there are some things in my past that keep popping up in my mind, things I wish didn't happen or that I should have avoided. Even though I have been reconciled with God for some reason the regrets surfaced. While I have come to see that it is good to feel regret and to despise certain things from my past, it is not good to dwell on regrets. It is a distraction that can keep me from focusing on my spiritual progress.

The one thing that came clearly to me is that regrets make me aware of how important it is to follow the way of the Lord. I keep thinking of Sinatra's song "My Way."  The lines, "regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention. I did what I had to do...I did it my way." The things in my past that I regret are the things that I did "my way" instead of the Lord's way. I think that is the key to having a relationship with Jesus, to do it His way, and to surrender my will over to Him.  I find when I do that, things just fall into place and I am filled with His peace and His joy, no matter what is happening in my life or in the world.  I am not talking about a Pollyanna type attitude, but an attitude of trust and reliance in God's providence. Maybe it is time to drop this bag of regrets I have been carrying around and just bask in the freedom of God's mercy and Love. 

You Got to Have Faith

Last week when reading a meditation by Ruth Burrows in  Magnificat, this line caught my attention.  She writes,

Faith is not a thing of the mind; it is not an intellectual certainty or a felt conviction. It is a sustained decision to take God with utter seriousness as the God of my life.

I spent a lot of time this week reflecting on this.  I was always taught that faith was a gift bestowed by a gracious God whose only desire is for us to love Him and to share in His life. Yes, faith is a gift, but it is a gift I must accept with the same Love in which it was given. 

When someone tells me to have faith in God, he or she is telling me to open up my heart to God, to hear and listen intently to His Word, to his commands.  But faith goes beyond listening, for we all know that  often when we listen it goes in one ear and out the other, Faith demands a response on my part. Faith requires that I say "yes" to God every minute of every day. I have to take my faith seriously.

Many people can say "I believe," but I don't think all believers have true faith. Faith is different than belief. I believe Satan exists, but I hope and pray I would never put my faith in him. Faith involves trust. For me to say, "Jesus, I trust in you," is an act of faith, an act of total abandonment to the Lord. Faith is also not a one shot deal. I must recommit myself to Christ each day. For faith to grow I can not just sit back and wait for it to happen,

Lent is a time when we do the work of faith, when we make that conscious decision to focus on the Lord. We fast, we do acts of penance, we increase our prayer life, and we do acts of charity. Do we do these things as some sort of religious Great Race or Survivor hoping that we complete the difficult tasks that we assign ourselves to win some prize. No! Lent gives us the opportunity to look at our faith life, to take our relationship with God to the next step, and to decide for God in deeper ways. But for this to happen, we need to come before Him with open hearts, with humility, and with trust.

Oh Lord, increase my faith.

Patience and Healing

Healing the Bleeding Woman
Catacomb of St. Peter and St. Marcellinus

My surgery for tomorrow (Monday) has been delayed a few hours.  That's good and bad. The good news is I can sleep later and go to Mass in the morning. The bad news is that I still have to fast from 11:00 tonight.  I am usually asleep by 10 PM so that is not a problem, but if I don't have my coffee and at least something for breakfast then I get a headache and feel sick until I get the cup of java and some protein.  I can't even receive communion at Mass.  As the sisters would always say, "Offer it up."  I guess there is some wisdom there. So I will offer it for those who go hungry each and every day.

So the Lord is asking me to be a bit more patient.  I have been OK anticipating the surgery and it seems half the people I have asked to pray for me have had this surgery or knows someone in their family who has. I have received a lot of advice with regard to recovery, the most important being not to do much at all for the first three days or longer.  I am not the kind of person who could lay around all day doing nothing, but I am being forced to. I will have to have patience with the healing process.

It seems that it's important to be patient when seeking spiritual healing as well. For most of us, spiritual healing doesn't happen in a flash of a moment, but slowly after a period of time.  During this time we need to be open to the Spirit working in us and on us to bring about what we need to grow in our relationship with God, to heal from what ever it is that may keep us from being all that God wants us to be. But it takes faith and trust. Just as the woman who sought healing by touching the hem of Jesus' cloak, so too I must approach the Lord knowing that whatever I ask He will give me if it is in accord with His will for me. 

Perhaps during this time of physical healing, instead of spending hours watching HGTV and useless talk shows. I could spend time focusing on the Lord. I am sure He has a lot to say to me. Hopefully I will do some painting as I started a new canvas, and catch up on some reading and writing as well.  All these things are good for my spiritual well being. Maybe I will uncover something or grow in the creative gifts the Lord has given me...and that would be very good.

Waiting

Like everyone else on the East Coast, I am preparing for Irene.  As I write she is hovering over the Outer Banks and we should start feeling the effects of the outer bands in a few hours.  Right now we are experiencing the "calm before the storm"with occasional light showers and a lot of humidity and an erie feeling that something is coming.

Waiting for Irene

Everything battened down

The yard cleared

This has been quite a week. Tuesday an earthquake, Thursday the news that I have to have surgery and now Irene.  The earthquake was unexpected but with regard to the latter two there has been sufficient warning to get ready.  As far as Irene goes, the boat is out of the water and "safe" in the driveway, the lawn furniture is tucked away as is anything outside that can blow around. We have water, propane for the grill  and lots of ice in the freezer along with food that can be cooked as it defrosts if and when we loose electricity. The cars gas tanks are filled along with two five gallon portable tanks.  We live on the cusp of the voluntary evacuation zone but our home is high enough in elevation (23 feet above sea level) that I don't think we will have a problem staying. It is calm right now and aside from getting out to the anticipated Mass at 5:00 there is nothing much we can do. So now we just wait it out.

The surgery is something that I have been anticipating ever since a sonogram revealed something last month.  I needed to wait for an appointment with the doctor to talk about what needs to be done.  In the meantime I looked up on the internet everything I could about the condition and spoke to quite a number of people. When I went to see the doctor I was a wealth of information and well prepared to speak to him. The surgery is a must and now I have three weeks time to get things organized at work and home in preparation for the surgery and my two week recovery, with a possibility of 6 weeks if it is found laparoscopic surgery can't be done. So, I wait this out as well.

Surprisingly I am quite calm, and I think that being well prepared has much to do with it.  Also it has to do with being spiritually prepared.  I believe those who have faith know that God will be with them though any storm.  Waiting can be a spiritual exercise.  It is a time for prayer, for reflection, for setting one's priorities and getting things right with God.  We wait, prepared and ready to greet the Bridegroom. As I have said many times, it is a matter of trust.  Also, what comes with all this is the knowledge that you can weather anything that comes your way and that you'll never walk alone. (YouTube wouldn't allow imbedding for this one so you'll have to click the link).

True Humility

Detail of Ghent Altarpiece by Jan van Eyck

On Saturday I heard an interesting quote during the homily at Mass. "Humility is a strange virtue. You lose it the moment you think you have it." The priest was preaching on the last line of Saturday's Gospel which states, " Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted” (Mt. 23:12). It is a bit of a paradox, for how do you humble yourself without being aware that you are being humble?

I have been reflecting upon the virtue of humility for quite awhile now. It is something that we as Christians should strive for, and certainly as a Benedictine, humility is a virtue that I should be assimilating into my life.  In the Holy Rule, Father Benedict writes:

"Accordingly, if we want to reach the highest summit of humility, if we desire to attain speedily that exaltation in heaven to which we climb by the humility of this present life, then by our ascending actions we must set up that ladder on which Jacob in a dream saw "angels descending and ascending" (Gen 28:12). Without a doubt, this descent and ascent can signify only that we descend by exaltation and ascend by humility. Now the ladder erected is our life on earth, and if we humble our heart God will raise it to heaven."

True humility comes with knowing who we are before God and in our complete dependence upon Him, being always aware of His presence.  True humility also comes with  obedience to the will of God.  Both require trust and turning over our will to our Creator.  This doesn't come easy. I know it is difficult to not desire recognition or not feel pride in a job well done. Then there is the distinction between real humility and false humility.  Being humble does not mean that we let people walk all over us, or that we constantly put ourselves down. That is false humility.  True humility I think is attained when we be who God wants us to be.

Today we celebrate the memorial of the Queenship of Mary.  Mary is the perfect example of true humility.  We hear her humility reflected in her Magnificat:

 My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;
 My spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
 For he has looked upon His handmaid’s lowliness;
 Behold, from now on will all ages call me blessed.
 The Mighty One has done great things for me,
 And Holy is His name.

Mary unconditionally accepted the will of God and by virtue of her humility and by virtue of her Love and obedience to God, she was crowned as Queen of Heaven and of earth.  We are called to imitate Mary in all her virtues but especially in her humility. To be humble is to "prefer nothing to the Love of Christ", to put all my trust in God and to proclaim His praises in all that I am and all that I do.

Pope Benedict XVI beautifully expressed following Mary's way of humilty in a homily addressed to the youth of Loreto in September of 2007.

        …the way of humility is not the way of renunciation but that of courage. It is not the result of a defeat but the result of a victory of love over selfishness and of grace over sin. In following Christ and imitating Mary, we must have the courage of humility; we must entrust ourselves humbly to the Lord, because only in this way will we be able to become docile instruments in his hands and allow him to do great things in us.

                                           

Come to the Water

Peconic Bay from Greenport

One of the great things about living on Long Island is that you are never far from the water, whether it be the Atlantic Ocean, the Long Island Sound, the Great South Bay, or the many inlets, coves, estuaries, and ponds that make up the Island.  I grew up on Long Island and on the water. As a child in Brooklyn (yes it is part of Long Island) I spent summers at Coney Island where both sets of grandparents lived, or on my dad's boat joyfully swimming off the stern or hanging off the bow and we cruised through the bays off Brooklyn.  When we moved to Nassau County  (the "real" Long Island) we actually lived on Reynolds Channel and it was there that I learned to pilot a boat.  We would take trips on dad's boat and when we weren't boating we were down at the beach. Moving to Seaford after I got married found me no more than a mile from the canals and a short 5 mile drive to the beach.  While I don't go boating that often anymore, I do enjoy when we do go out and beach the boat or drift around the bay. I like to kayak, or just sit at the edge of the beach.

Greenport Harbor

So what has all this to do with spirituality? I think a lot. Yesterday my husband and I took a ride to the North Fork, a lovely area of Eastern Long Island filled with vineyards, farm stands, nurseries and quaint little towns. We spent most of the day by the water at Greenport, Orient Point and having lunch on the Sound.  It was a peaceful day and my thoughts turned to the Lord. Jesus loved the water.  Last Sunday's gospel even found Him walking on it.  Wouldn't that be fun! He chose His closest disciples from those who made their living fishing.  Do I know about fishing!  I don't particularly enjoy it, but having lived and live with men who get great enjoyment out of it, I know it takes a certain kind of person since fishing involves planning, preparation, patience, sometimes disappointment, but also a desire for the big haul. No wonder Jesus chose a fisherman to lead the church and used the image of gathering fish to describe those who lead people to Christ.

The beach at Orient and lighthouses at Plum Gut

Orient Point Lighthouse

Jesus also chose water as the means to be re-born in Him.  To me being close to the sea allows me to be closer to Jesus.  Feeling the gentle waves wash over me reminds me of baptism.  But back to Scripture.  Most of the stories of Jesus and water involve trust.  The disciples were afraid of the storms on more than one occasion, and they really didn't trust that Jesus would make it all OK.  No wonder what He admonished them "Oh you of little faith." But upon looking out at the lighthouses in Plum Gut and Orient Point yesterday, I recalled that Christ is our Light. A lighthouse is often used as a contemporary image for Christ, who is the beacon that protects us from crashing against the rocks of destruction and despair and also leads us to the Safe Harbor that He keeps for those who Love Him.

Sometimes we talk about moving off the Island.  It would be nice to live in the mountains or in a small town far away from the city.  But leaving the water would be difficult.  I know God is everywhere but for me, He is present in a special way by the sea.  He is present in all His might in the crashing of the waves. He is present in His gentle touch in the water gently rocking my boat.  He is present in His omnipotence in the vastness of the ocean.  He is present in His Joy as I float and play by the shore.  He is present in His healing ministry as the cool waters cleanse me and refresh me.  And He is present in all His glory in the sun setting over the bay and the full moon rising over the ocean. 

It's a Matter of Trust..and Patience

I have discovered that it is very easy to talk about trusting God, but a bit more difficult to put it into practice. Last week I wrote that I was having several medical tests.  Well, in addition to the high cholesterol, I just found that that my sonogram showed something that is potentially serious. Of course they don't tell you anything over the phone so I started to worry and after looking the condition up on the internet my mind started expecting the worst.  I decided the best thing to do was go down to the beach to walk and pray.  It was there that I realized that I have to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. I talk about trust in the Lord, now I have to do it, put all my trust in Him, no matter what the outcome.

Sunset at Jones Beach

As I was walking over the sand at sunset, I sensed a calm come over me.  I recall walking on the beach several years ago during a rough time, and "hearing" the Lord tell me that I have much more to suffer. I sort of shrugged it off, but last night those words came back to me.  Yet, what also came back to me were the words of St. Therese in one of her poems. This great saint totally embraced her suffering, giving it all to Jesus, and trusting in His Love for her.

If sometimes bitter suffering
Should come to visit your            heart,
Make it your joy:
To suffer for God...                     what sweetness!...
Then Divine tenderness
Will make you soon forget
That you walk on thorns

Well, I'm not a saint, and I don't think I can easily get to the point that Therese got with regard to her suffering and illness. But I can learn from her.  Her Love for God put her pain and suffering in the proper perspective.  I am praying that I will find out that I really don't have anything too seriously wrong, but I will have to be patient in finding out since I could not get a follow up appointment until the end of August.  Patience is a virtue that is almost as difficult to achieve as trust.  But, it is a Fruit of the Holy Spirit so perhaps God is asking me to pray my favorite novena, the Novena to the Holy Spirit.  Prayer is a better way to deal with situations like this rather than getting anxious any day.

Taking Another Look at Confession - part II

When I talk about the Sacrament of Penance in RCIA or in adult catechesis classes, I often hear the question, "Why should I confess my sins to another person?"  That's a valid question.  But if you think about it, most of us engage in some sort of "confession" all the time, we just don't think of it in the same way as we do celebrating the Sacrament with a priest.  How many of us have a friend or confident to whom we confide our deepest secrets?  How many are in or have gone through therapy sessions? Talk to a bartender, hairdresser, or barber about how many "confessions" they have heard while serving drinks or cutting hair. There are plenty of "confessions" done over the internet.  I freqent a Catholic website and I can't beleive how many people write asking for advice about how to deal with a particular sin or vice they have committed (sometimes with a bit too much detail). Then look at television.  Some of the shows with the highest ratings , like Oprah, often have people on who reveal the wrongs they have done on national TV without batting an eyelash.  There is a saying that "confession is good for the soul," and another that states, "we are only as sick as our secrets."  I believe both are true.  Deep down inside we have a need to tell someone what it is that we have done wrong.  Many criminals are caught because they just can't keep what they did secret, and they tell someone who eventually reports it to the police.  So why is it, that in a world where almost no one keeps secret what we do and what we don't do, is confessing to a priest so uncomfortable?

I think a lot has to do with guilt, or lack of it. If we don't sense that we are really doing something wrong then it is no big deal to tell others about it in the situations I mentioned above.  But, when going to confession, I have to admit that, yes, what I did or am doing is  wrong, it is sinful, and  that I am want  to stop doing it because it offends God (I beleive this is a major stubbling block for some). Carrying the weight of guilt and the anxiety of sin and offending God is a great burden to bear. But some people would rather carry that weight than have God lift it from them. Admitting our sins to a priest is a humbling experience, and it seems that today humility is looked down upon as a weakness. St. Benedict's fifth step of humility in the Holy Rule is to confess our sins.  In Twelve Step programs, steps 4 through 10 speak of humbly acknowledging, confessing and making amends for our wrongs (sounds like confession to me). Humility leads to self-knowledge and to a right relationship with God and others, which leads to healing and growth. In celebrating the Sacrament the burden is lifted.

When I explain it in this way, I think it makes a lot of sense to some people.  Sure I explain the theological reasons and the grace of the Sacrament, but for those with "high anxiety" over celebrating this Sacrament, appealing to simple logic seems to be a good start. 

Taking Another Look at Confession - part I

Over this past week the subject of Confession has caught my attention in several different ways.   On July 24th, the Congregation for Clergy released a document for priests titled "The Priest Minister of Divine Mercy: an Aid for Confessors and Spiritual Directors, which I took the time to read.  Although it was meant for priests, it gave great insight into the Sacrament. In the book I am currently reading,"Rediscover Catholicism" a Spiritual Guide to Living with Passion & Purpose," by Matthew Kelly, I was up to the chapter titled Confession. To go even further, in an online discussion I was engaged in, the conversation centered around the Sacrament of Penance.  Was God trying to tell me something?  It's only been about two weeks since my last confession, so I don't think that was it.  Perphaps God is asking me to write about it. 

I must admit, celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Penance, or Confession (what ever one cares to call it), is something that has caught my attention over the last twenty years, especially since I began studying theology.  If fact, I chose it as my ad libitum topic for my comprehensive exams at Notre Dame.  I have been fascinated by the history and development of the Sacrament and also the obvious decline in its celebration among Catholics today (although I think we are seeing a slight increase).  I also feel that it is a Sacrament that is much needed in today's world.  But I didn't always feel that way.

As a child I went to Confession every few weeks, but a bad experience with a priest in confession as an adolescent instilled a fear that stayed with me for years (and to some extent still rears its head at times).  I did still go, but over time it went from months to years between confessions. Also, I gave in to the mistaken notion that if I didn't commit a mortal sin then I didn't need to celebrate the Sacrament. That's what it might appear to say in Canon Law, but what I discovered is that my conscience formation was a bit flawed, and I also gave into a bit of relativism (OK maybe more than a bit), so that I had myself convinced that I really wasn't sinning mortally so I didn't need confession. But God was working on convincing me that this Sacrament was necessary, whether I commit mortal sins or not. When I finally came back to Confession after an absense of 9 years, I still did not feel that great about it, but made it a yearly "gotta do" kind of thing, until I started studying theology, reading about the saints, and looking into enriching my own spiritual life.

What I discovered is that this Sacrament is a beautiful encounter with Jesus, who is loving, forgiving and merciful. It is, writes Kelly, "the perfect spiritual practice to rekindle our passion for excellence in the spiriutal life."  What made ordinary people great saints?  I believe it was the realization that they were sinners and that they believed in God's mercy and accepted His Grace, becoming all that God called them be.  Look at some of our most beloved saints, Paul, Augustine, Francis, Ignatius, they all had less than perfect lives before they encountered Christ.  But, in being open to Grace, they confessed their sinful ways, abandoned their way of life, and drew close to God.

Broken Trust
by Natalie Holland

Taking that step to be open to and accepting of God's Grace requires trust. Perhaps that is another reason why I stayed away from the Sacrament for so long, having been hurt, I was unable to allow myself to trust. What I failed to realize however, was that my lack of trust was based on the fault of a human being, not on God. I let one priest, who was unable to be compassionate to an eleven year old girl, influence my relationship with Christ, who is full of compassion. I allowed one man to affect my trust in God. I wonder how many people have let a bad confession experience keep them away from our Lord's forgiveness and mercy? It took me a long time to rebuild that trust by finding good confessors and availing myself of the Sacrament regularly so that I can keep building my trust in God by experiencing His Love and Forgiveness. Have you been away from the Sacrament for awhile, for one reason or another? Why not take another look at Confession!

"I will be with you."

It amazes me sometimes how God lets me know when He is trying to get something across to me.  This morning, as I usually do before Mass, I was meditating on the scripture readings for the day.  In the first reading from Exodus (Ex. 3:1-6,9-12), God appears to Moses in the burning bush and tells Moses  to go to Pharaoh and lead the Hebrews out of Egypt. Moses protests saying, "Who am I that I should go...?" I was thinking, how many times in Scripture do we hear that argument, or one like it,  in response to the call of God?  I know Isaiah and Jerimiah both expressed it. So did Peter, and Paul, and many of the saints throughout our history. God calls the most unlikely people to do His work.; people who are too young, too old, cannot speak well, are afraid, don't feel up to the challenge, or simply don't want to or think they can't do what God is asking of them.

My meditation led me to reflect on my own faith journey and how God called me into ministry.  The first time I was called upon to give a talk for a retreat, I really felt frightened and anxious. While I was a teacher and had spoken in public before, this was different.  This was about my faith and I was being asked to call others to faith through the words I was speaking.  Before I was to speak, someone opened the Bible and read from Jeremiah (1:4-9)

"The word of the LORD came to me thus:
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I dedicated you,
a prophet to the nations I appointed you.
"Ah, Lord GOD!" I said,
"I know not how to speak; I am too young."
But the LORD answered me,
Say not, "I am too young."
To whomever I send you, you shall go;
whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Have no fear before them,
because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.
Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,
See, I place my words in your mouth! "

Wow, did those words speak to me, and a whole new world was opened up. 

Mass began, and when it came to the homily it was about Moses reaction to God's call and how often we say to God, "Who am I that I should go...", or do, or say, or be something that is beyond what we ever thought possible. Father said that when God calls us, He gives us the Grace to see through to completion what He is asking of us.  I took this as a confirmation of my own meditation, but also as a reminder that I need to trust in God and be willing to answer His call, whenever that may come, and to do whatever God asks of me. 

The priest also made reference to the Gospel (Mt.11:25-27) and said that we have to have "childlike" trust. Somewhere in our "growing up" we tend to lose that trusting demeanor. Perhaps it is because the world is so untrustworthy that we carry that over to our faith life.  Perhaps the problems in the Church of late have caused people to lose trust. Yet, we have to remember that the Church is more than simply the people in it, that there is a Divine dimension to the Church that many overlook.  If we have faith in God, we must have trust that God will not lead His Church or us down the wrong path.

My meditation today, and the words of the homily, remind me to have childlike trust and be willing to believe that if God asks something of me it is because He knows that I will be able to do it with His Grace. I know that God will be with me, just as He promised Moses. God will give me what I need to carry it through. All I need to say is "Here I am."