Nothing More Than Feelings

I have been up since before 3 AM listening to the rain softly falling outside. While it is a nice sound and the breeze was gently blowing in my bedroom window, I do wish I was able to go back to sleep. Prayer was difficult so I just decided to rest in the Lord until I decided to get out of bed at 4:30.  This is probably not good for facing a day of work.

I thought perhaps it is a good time to write a post.  I haven't done so in awhile. Call it writer's block. My journal entries are even brief as of late. I get all these ideas in my head about what to write about, but when it comes time to do it my mind goes blank. It is not that I don't reflect on things, for I do that a lot, but the words just don't make it onto paper, or the screen in this case.

For awhile I have been giving a lot of thought to the concept of feelings. Yesterday I viewed a post on Facebook that again got me reflecting on feelings. Thanks Karla for posting it. It expresses much of what I was thinking about.  I have heard it said, and have also come to the realization on my own, that we put too much emphasis on our feelings. Everything seems to be about how I feel or how I don't feel. Don't say this or that for it might hurt someone's feelings. Feelings are most important, never mind what is the truth. Even within my Catholic circles people are saying that it is all about feelings.  I don't believe that anymore.

I have discovered that feelings can be deceiving and can also keep me from discovering the reality about who I am. I feel hurt by someone, so I shut down, or start feeling sorry for myself. Yet I believe that feelings, positive or negative, can be a starting point for self reflection, for asking the big question, "why do I feel this way?"

When it comes to God, that's where feelings can really get in the way. We often think that God must make us feel good.  Well there are many times when I just don't feel good, when I just don't feel God's presence. This had happened more often in the past few years.  I could have just thought that God has abandoned me, although based on things that have happened in my life I know that He hasn't, but I just don't get those nice feelings with regard to God.  I have come to realize that that's OK. It all comes down to faith.

Faith is not a feeling. My friend Sandy has a favorite Bible quote; "Faith is the confidence in what is hoped for, and the assurance of things not seen." (Heb. 1:1). In 2 Corinthians 5:7, Paul writes, "we walk by faith and not by sight."  For me these passages confirm my thoughts that just as our senses can deceive us with regard to our faith, feelings can as well. Faith is a gift that is available to all who are open to receiving it. Faith gets us though the hard times, even when we feel like all is falling apart, even when our feelings are hurt, or when our feelings are saying that God has abandoned us.

Reading John of the Cross has helped me a lot with regard to relying on senses and feelings when it comes to faith and my relationship with God. When we let go of our desires to "feel good" or to "sense God" and to simply trust in His Love, knowing that He is always with us, that is when we can begin to attain true union with God. And the closer we get to union with God, the more our feelings do not dominate us and our relationships with others. I haven't arrived there yet, but I'm working on it.

Airport Musings

I write this while sitting in West Palm Beach airport with a 3 3/4 hour delay on my flight. They say it is because of severe weather but from what I can gather the weather at JFK is perfect. So here I sit with close to three more hours to go, and I've been here an hour and a half already. Nothing much I can do about it so I thought I would write some reflections.

Today is the Solemnity of Corpus Christi. It is one of my favorite feasts and I was hoping to hear a really good homily at Mass this morning.  I was greatly disappointed.  Granted the priest was old but there was absolutely no meat in the homily.  I don't think it was necessary to explain why the sanctuary light is there, but maybe there are people at Mass who don't know that, however I highly doubt it.  And I can easily look up the origins of the feast, in fact I think he took his information straight off Wikipedia.

The reality of the Eucharist is such a great gift that Our Lord gave to us; His very Body and Blood that we take into our bodies. The great beauty of the Eucharist is expressed in the words of St. Augustine; "Behold what you are, become what you receive." Through our baptism we are part of the Body of Christ, we are members of His Body and He is the Head. The parts of the body can do nothing without the head, so too we are nothing without our Lord. Each time we receive Jesus we are transformed "more deeply" to borrow Bishop Murphy's term, into His Body. Yet it seems that so many people are unaware of this reality. It seems that to many, reception of Jesus in Holy Communion is just something you do at Church because, well, it's expected. When I did my doctoral project on First Holy Communion, a number of parents wrote in the survey I conducted that they didn't believe the Eucharist was the real Presence of the Body and Blood of Jesus, but they want their children to receive First Holy Communion because it is expected as Catholics. It doesn't matter that they don't go to Mass regularly, not to even mention confession. I wonder if they understood what St. Augustine wrote if they would act differently. I pray that they will be open to this great gift and allow Jesus to touch their hearts.

When I hear stories of why people convert to Catholicism, so many times it is because of the Eucharist. The thought of truly receiving Jesus somehow touched something inside of them and drew them closer and closer to Catholicism and deeper into their relationship with Christ. 

I wish there was something I could say to the parents and students in my religious education program that would convince them that receiving Jesus every Sunday gives them ultimately so much more than they can imagine. The Eucharist is food for the soul. For me, it is what keeps me going. The days that I don't go to Mass and receive communion are days that I feel incomplete.  

The Visitation

Today is the Feast of the Visitation. I love the Gospel reading for today because it is chock full of things that are food for thought and for meditation.  I recall giving a talk on Mary over 20 years ago and used this Gospel as the basis for my talk. I must honestly admit that at the time Mary was a a much more a part of my prayer life than she is now. I seemed to connect to her more back then, and while she is not absent from my life, I don't focus on her as much as I probably should. But at the time, I guess I needed her more.

I remember the verse that I focused on in that talk. "And how does this happen to me that the Mother of my Lord should come to me?" I invited my listeners to ask themselves that same question, for Mary indeed comes to us in very quiet, humble and gentle ways. Even though I am not at all aware of her presence at this point in my life, I do know that she is always there watching over me. What have I done to deserve this attention from the Mother of God? The truth is, nothing I do makes me deserve this. As Mary felt the need to travel a long distance to aid her cousin, she too has the need and desire to be with us in our need. It's kind of like my own kids. Now in their late 20's and 30's they don't seem to need me as much. They are adults and and involved in their own lives, which is good. Yet I am there for them when they do need to talk, want a bit of attention, or just want to be with Mom.

Like my children, even though I have distanced myself a bit from her, I know I can count on her in my need. Every evening I pray the Magnificat, which is part of Evening Prayer and was part of todays reading. It is a beautiful prayer to meditate on. It is a song of humility and praise to the Father. I try to make it my song as well. Perhaps you can too.

Join in the Dance

As I write this I am on a well deserved vacation visiting my family in Florida. It is a good time to be here since the weather back home is terrible for this time of year.  I am hoping it improves before I get home the first week of June.

When I think of Trinity Sunday I can't help but think of the movie Footloose.  OK, you might be thinking what on earth does that film have to do with the Trinity. Well, to be honest, nothing.  But it does have everything to do with dancing. For people who really know me I love to dance. I am not very good at it but when the music starts, especially good old Rock and Roll (from the 50's-80's) I can't help but get on my feet and move with the music. Footloose was all about a town that banned dancing and the one high school student (a young Kevin Bacon), who wanted to convince the town's minister and townspeople to let the senior class hold a prom. He does so by reading passages in the Bible that speak of dancing as a way of praising the Lord.  Perhaps the kind of dancing he was trying to get approved is not what you would call praising the Lord, but the image of dancing before God in the Bible has a lot of merit.

Dancing can also be used to describe the Trinity, the relationship between the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. I wrote the following in this blog about two years ago on Trinity Sunday and thought it would be good to repeat. In it I talk about one of my favorite 'churchy" words, perichoresis.

"My favorite way to enter into the mystery of the Trinity is with the word "perichoresis."  It is a Greek word that literally means "to dance around;" peri meaning "to circle" and choresis meaning "dance" (the root of the word choreography).  It is a word that was first used by the early Church Fathers, Basil the Great, Gregory of Nyssea, Gregory of Nazianizus and John of Damascus to describe the relationship of the Father, Son and Spirit. St. John wrote, “The subsistences [i.e., the three Persons] dwell and are established firmly in one another. For they are inseparable and cannot part from one another, but keep to their separate courses within one another, without coalescing or mingling, but cleaving to each other. For the Son is in the Father and the Spirit: and the Spirit in the Father and the Son: and the Father in the Son and the Spirit, but there is no coalescence or commingling or confusion. And there is one and the same motion: for there is one impulse and one motion of the three subsistences, which is not to be observed in any created nature” (The Orthodox Faith, 1.14).

I do like  the image of a dance.  If you look at dancers, and I am not talking about what you see on "So You Think You Can Dance," or "Dancing with the Stars" or other such TV shows, but real ballroom dancing, the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers sort of dancing. The dancers are individual persons, each having their own distinct movements and costumes, but together they create something beautiful and cohesive.  You cannot have someone ballroom dance alone.  It just cannot be done. So too with the Trinity.  The Trinity is a Communio Personarum, a community of Persons who move and flow and draw life from one another in a "Great Dance" of Love."

God wants to take my hand and lead me onto the dance floor where I can move with Him, Father, Son and Spirit.  Isn't that great! But an even greater thing about God is that He can have more than one partner.  Today, and every minute of every day, He is calling you to dance with Him as well.  The music is playing, so get your feet up and dance with the Lord.

Did He Mean Love Everyone?

In today's Gospel we hear the great commandment that Jesus gave his disciples: “As I have loved you, so also should you love one another.” What is this Love that Jesus commands of us? It is not simply a feeling or a nice sentiment. It is not something romanticized or something we might find in a Hallmark card. This kind of Love that Jesus commands of us is something radical. It is a complete giving of love to others, whether we feel like it or not, whether we like the person or not. Just recently this concept of Love has been tested in a dramatic way in my life. Like probably many of you I was glued to the TV on as the manhunt went on for the younger of the two men who planted the bomb at the Boston marathon and were responsible for the deaths of three people and the horrible injuries of so many others. I was hoping they would catch the young man, but I also found myself praying for him. That night, before we heard that he was captured, I was at a prayer gathering with some friends. We prayed for him and for all those who find themselves caught up in religious or political ideologies that cause them to commit horrific acts of terror. We prayed that he would be caught alive and that someday he may become aware of Christ’s Love for him. This is the radical Love that Jesus was talking about. Yes, we prayed for the victims and their families. We prayed very hard for them. Their lives are torn apart. But it is easy to pray for them because we feel such sympathy and concern for them. It is much harder to pray for those who we might feel don’t deserve our prayers.

While this is a dramatic example, right in our own community and perhaps even if our own families, there are people who we do not like or don’t want to be around. We might hold a grudge or feel great anger toward them. Radical Love means that we forgive them. We don’t have to become their BFF, but we do need to pray for them and hope that they open their hearts to the Love of Christ who gave us the ultimate act of Love. He died for our sins. He died for all of us so that we might have the opportunity to live with Him forever. This Love comes without conditions. On our part, we need to be open to receiving it.

Jump

Peter Jumping into the Water by James Tissot

Today at our RCIA session following Mass, the catechist leading the session led us in a meditation on today's Gospel. In typical Ignatian fashion, she directed us to put ourselves in the story. As she read the Gospel, she stopped along the way and asked us to picture ourselves on the lake and feel the coolness of the morning, the heat of the sun as it rose. Then she asked at specific points in the story what we were thinking as something occurred, what emotions arose in us, what would we have done if we were there? At one point she asked what would you be thinking when you saw Simon Peter jump from the boat into the water.  I sort of chuckled to myself as I thought, "Is he crazy?  What the heck is he doing? I think he's lost it."

I stayed with that image and those words for awhile after the meditation was over. When asked to share our thoughts or reactions, I shared those words, but then I continued. When we grow closer to the Lord and deepen our relationship with Him, we begin to change. Things that brought us pleasure may not matter so much anymore. We don't do some of the same things we did before. We may go to church more often, spend more time in prayer, get involved in activities in our parish, read the bible or other spiritual books. People who know us notice the change and may be confused by it and might even have some negative thoughts. At times we may hear criticism of our dedication to our faith. Friends or family might think we are crazy, that we have become some sort of "holy roller."  They may wonder why we focus so much on God.  Yes, and they might think we've "lost it."

I could think of a number of times when that happened to me, and I know some of my family members think of me as a bit too religious. They say I'm like the Church Lady, in fact at my last parish I have had kids call me that when I ask them if they knew who I was.  Some people might get offended if called something like this, but in a way I don't mind. No, I'm not the kind of Church Lady that Dana Carvey plays, but what's wrong with being a Church Lady? What's wrong with being someone who tries to put God first in her life and orient whatever she does toward living as a good Christian, as a good Catholic? What is wrong with talking about God, speaking the truth about the faith, and abandoning myself to the Lord. 

Like Simon Peter, we sometimes have to "jump in" when we discover the Lord, not considering what anyone might think of us. It's not easy and I admit I do struggle with that. But in the end it comes down to loving Jesus above all things.  Do I listen to the voices that might distract me from reaching the Lord, or do I jump?

Reflecting on the New Year

It has been over six months since I have posted.  I am not sure why I stopped, but there has been a lot happening in my life over the past six months.  My daughter Laura got married, my daughter Theresa moved back home, we got a new puppy, I got a new job, and I had a book to finish writing.  All these things were very good events but they pulled my attention and motivation to post and to write in my journal as well.  A few times I wanted to write, and I believe I had some good things to say, but upon sitting down to the computer my mind went blank.  This being New Year's Day and a time for resolutions, I have decided to make posting again and journaling my resolution.

I am not the type of person that celebrates the New Year, or makes resolutions. Eventually all those resolutions fall flat. like the resolution to lose weight or exercise more. For me, the New Year is a time to reflect upon the past year, to see how far I have come spiritually, in my relationships with God and with others, and to uncover areas where I need some work.

In today's Gospel, for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, we hear that "Mary kept all these things reflecting on them in her heart." The events of the conception, pregnancy and birth of Jesus would be overwhelming for anyone, especially for a young girl of Mary's age. She reflected on them however, and though they maybe didn't make sense, she knew in her heart that they were God's plan for her.

It appears to me that is something that is missing in our society today, reflection and making time to reflect. Oh yes, we brainstorm and organize our thoughts and ideas, we make plans and lists, and we sometimes obsess over what we have done, but that is not reflection. One of the advantages of having a puppy and an old cat is that they wake me up early in the morning and after I finish taking care of their needs I can sit with a cup of coffee, the puppy on my lap and my breviery (or iBreviary on the iPad - no page turning). It is a time to pray and reflect. It is a special time. The quiet of the morning is conducive to reflection. There is little noise, it's dark and very still. I am sure Mary had those mornings when Jesus would wake up early to nurse, and she was able to reflect on all that had happened and the wonder of it all. It is a time to listen to the still voice of God. It is a time to take a look at what has been happening in my life, to try to make some sense of it all, to see God's plan in the things that have occurred and to look toward the future.

The sun is beginning to rise, a new day and a new year is beginning. May God bless us this new year and like Mary, may we take the time to reflect on all things in our hearts, that we may see His glory, His mercy, and His Love in our lives.

Finding Spirituality in a Crowd

There is something very good and uplifting about spending several days with close to 2,000 people who are in musical and liturgical ministry in Catholic parishes throughout the country. This week I am at the annual convention of the National Association of Pastoral Musicians in Pittsburgh, PA.  In addition to listening to and singing wonderful liturgical music, there is a spiritual component to the talks and workshops.

So far we have heard two wonderful addresses. The Keynote on Monday was by Fr. Ronald Raab, CSC. He spoke about finding holiness in our suffering and in entering into the suffering of others. Pretty powerful!

Tuesday's Plenum address was given by Fr. J. Michael Joncas, who I had the good fortune to have as a professor when I studied at Notre Dame. I also attended his workshop on the history of the Roman Missal yesterday.  But his talk was like being on retreat. It was about connecting liturgy and life and he used the Gospel Antiphon for Evening Prayer on the feast of Corpus Christi as the jumping off point, connecting it with passages from Sacrosanctum Concilium.  He had me mesmerized. I only hope the talk is made available so that I can reflect on it further.

Tuesday night was an evening of contrasts musically, but both were spiritually uplifting. First a concert of contemporary praise music by young composers and performers. I guess its distinct Catholicity is why we do not hear their songs on Christian radio. Following that was Taize prayer. I have always loved Taize prayer with its meditative chants. It was beautifully to be carried away in prayer by the voices of a few hundred people all singing in harmony while meditating on the cross of Christ surrounded by candles and icons.

This morning we heard another plenum address by Msgr. Kevin Irwin which was challenging but also a warning against making my participation in the liturgy all about me and my wants.  He gave me much to think about.

Right now I am skipping the morning showcases and doing some work on my book.  That would make my publishers, who are in a booth in the conference hall, very happy.

A conference such as this is tiring, and if I decided to do everything on the schedule I would be totally exhausted.  But the time away from work and the mundane things of daily life is good. I have time for prayer (although haven't found my way to a Mass yet as it is a far walk), and the opportunity to connect with some people I haven't seen in awhile and to make new friends, all in an atmosphere where the worship of Jesus is the main topic of conversation.  My voice is a bit hoarse from singing so much and I am walking about 6 miles a day between the hotel and the conference center, but all in all it is a wonderful and inspirational week.

St. Benedict and Me

Today is the feast of Holy Father Benedict. No, not Pope Benedict, but St. Benedict of Nursia, the sixth century saint who is considered the founder of Western monasticism.  Today is also a feast day for me because I am an Oblate of St. Benedict.

When I tell people I am an Oblate, their first question is, "What's an Oblate." Their second question is, "Why?" Some people wonder if I really wanted to be a nun. Others think I'm just the crazy church lady. Some are very curious, ask a lot of questions and seem genuinely interested. The real reason is that, for me, it is a path to holiness. The link above explains what an Oblate is, but why did I decide to make my oblation is a very good question.

I first read the Holy Rule of St. Benedict many, many years ago. I picked it up while visiting the Weston Priory in Vermont which was one of my favorite places to visit with a group from my parish. I understood it as a good rule for life but never took it any further by applying it to my own life. Years later I read The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris and realised that the Rule can apply to our ordinary lives and didn't require living in a monestary or abbey. I began to see how living the Rule made a lot of sense in this crazy world of ours. It was, in a sense, a call to go back to basics, not so much in an ascetical sense but in getting back to spiritual basics and living a simple and happy life in the here and now.

The next expereince that drew me closer to a Benedictine spirituality was when I began my liturgical studies at the University of Notre Dame. I learned that the Benedictines and liturgy just go together like paper and glue. They were known througout the centuries to be the center of liturgical reform and the Pontifical Liturgical Institiute located at Sant'Anselmo in Rome is run by the Benedictines.  The more I studied the more I came to undertand why I love liturgy so much. I met quite a number of Benedictine religious and oblates during my time at Notre Dame and had the opportunity to see how Benedictine spirituality affected their lives.

In discerning how I could deepen my relationship with God, it was suggested to me that I look into a third order or affiliate myself with a religious community. After much prayer, a search into the charisms of different orders and communities, and reflection on where God may be calling me, I kept coming back to the Benedictines.  I re-read the Rule and did a search on Monestaries or Abbeys near where I lived. The closest was St. Walburga Monestary in Elizabeth, NJ. If I was going to make an oblation with a community, I wanted it to be one where I would be able to travel to easily.

I began to attend Oblate meetings and after a year of discernment decided to enter formation for my oblation. I made my final oblation a year later. Being an Oblate has had such a positive affect on my life. I have learned to live a simplier life, to appreciate people and things more. I have learned that humility and obedience are not "dirty words" and that in living these virtues I am a much happier person. I have come to realize the beauty of the Divine Office and look forward to praying the psalms every day, several times a day. But most of all my relationship with God has grown deeper.

Reading the Rule every day has shown me that the wisdom of St. Benedict does not lose anything 1500 years later. It is a relevant today as it was in the sixth century.  Today as we celebrate our Holy Father Benedict's feast I can't help but call to mind a quote from the Holy Rule, one that is on the stained glass window at our monestary and taped to my computer at work: "Prefer nothing to the Love of Christ."

Happy feast day. PAX

Isn't Somebody Missing?

For the past few months I have been listening to a radio station that was recommended to me. It advertises itself as Christian and inspirational, and indeed it is. The songs speak of the love of Jesus, His forgiveness and mercy, of dependence on the Father, and in turning to God in good and bad times.  Yet in all the time I have been listening to the station, I have not heard one song that mentions the Holy Spirit. I haven't even heard the announcers mention the Spirit. I find that rather odd. How can you talk or sing about the Father and the Son and leave out the Spirit who is the very Breath of God.

Perhaps it is because of all the Persons of the Trinity the Holy Spirit is probably the most difficult for people to comprehend. It is easy to relate to Jesus, who is human as well as Divine. The Father too is easy to relate to, even if it is as basic as thinking of Him as this old bearded grandfather type who created us and sustains us in our need and correcting us when we sin.  But the Spirit is kind elusive and difficult to describe how He works in our lives...or is He?

The Spirit hovered over the waters when the world was created, He was the breath that brought our first parents to life and breathes new life into us when we are baptized. He is the Love between the Father and the Son that is extended to God's people. He teaches us in the ways of the Lord, He inspires us and He even prays for us when we cannot pray on our own. How can we ignore Him. How can a station advertise itself as Christian and inspirational when they don't even mention the source of all that inspires us?

The station is always quoting Scripture, yet Who is it that inspired the authors of Scripture? Who was it in the Book of Acts that came down upon the apostles on Pentecost? Who is it that St. Paul speaks so eloquently of in His letters? Who came down upon the water when Jesus was baptized by John?

I am positive that  these Christian songwriters have been touched by the Holy Spirit. Who do they think inspired them to write the songs in the first place. Who is it that led them into this ministry of music that helps bring people to God?

I have a friend who is very deeply in love with the Holy Spirit. She calls Him the Eternal Nag.  Not in a negative way but in a playful way. It is the Holy Spirit who gently, and sometimes not so gently, encourages, pushes and prods us to walk in the way of the Lord, to do His will and to serve God and His people.  In light of this, I am on a prayer mission asking the Holy Spirit to nag  Christian songwriters to write something about the Spirit that will inspire people just as much as their songs about Jesus and the Father do.  It is possible you know, we Catholics have been singing about the Spirit for centuries.

What's in a Name?

The Incredulity of St. Thomas by Caravaggio

I was thinking today that  St. Thomas goes down in history with the name Doubting Thomas. It seems a shame that one little mistake and he gets saddled with this moniker for all eternity. I mean really, who wouldn't have doubted. You hear from your friends that someone you knew was dead is now alive. It's only been a week, they were grieving, maybe drank a bit too much wine.  Who wouldn't have said "prove it?" You don't hear Peter referred to as Denying Peter, or Paul called Persecutor Paul. So why pick on poor Thomas?

I don't know about you, but I have my doubts at times about all this God stuff and Jesus and everlasting life. My goodness, even great saints like Therese and Mother Theresa had doubts. People all the time wonder about the truth of it all. The important thing is what you do with those doubts.  Jesus appeared to Thomas and told him to touch His wounds.  Thomas probably felt a bit embarrassed but then he proclaimed, "My Lord and my God!"  What a statement of faith!  He then went on to evangelize India and did so well that today is a great feast there,

We, in a way, are privileged.  We have 2,000 years of the faith of others to lead us in ours. We have the Gospels and epistles and the Fathers of the Church who handed down to us the teachings of Our Lord and showed us the Truth contained in the faith. 

But then what of  this title of Thomas.  What if we were known for eternity by the one BIG mistake we made in our lives.  I can just hear it...Adulteress Audrey, Embezzler Frank, Susan the Proud, etc., etc.  What a way to be remembered. Then again, it shows the great Love and Mercy that Jesus shows those who sin and seek forgiveness. The Doubter becomes a great saint.  I'd like to be a great saint.  Well, maybe not a great one but a saint none the less. And I just want to be known as Jo-Ann, plain and simple, if you please.

Regrets, I've had a few...

I haven't posted in well over a month and a half. It is not that I didn't have anything to say but things just got away from me between work, a major writing assignment, my daughter's shower and wedding planning, my husband's retirement and getting ready for summer. I just didn't have it in me to do one more thing.

So summer is here and it has been 100 degrees here in NY, but it is nice an cool sitting on the deck here this morning. I was awakened at 4:00 AM by a giant party bus bringing home the neighbors' kids from their senior prom. Oh those were the days. Wait a minute...I didn't go to my prom.  Seems I missed out on a lot of things at that age.  I guess you could say I was a bit nerdy and a goody-goody.  But I have no regrets about that.

Speaking of regrets, the thought of regrets has occupied much of my spiritual reflection as of late. It seems that in my journey of growing closer to God, there are some things in my past that keep popping up in my mind, things I wish didn't happen or that I should have avoided. Even though I have been reconciled with God for some reason the regrets surfaced. While I have come to see that it is good to feel regret and to despise certain things from my past, it is not good to dwell on regrets. It is a distraction that can keep me from focusing on my spiritual progress.

The one thing that came clearly to me is that regrets make me aware of how important it is to follow the way of the Lord. I keep thinking of Sinatra's song "My Way."  The lines, "regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention. I did what I had to do...I did it my way." The things in my past that I regret are the things that I did "my way" instead of the Lord's way. I think that is the key to having a relationship with Jesus, to do it His way, and to surrender my will over to Him.  I find when I do that, things just fall into place and I am filled with His peace and His joy, no matter what is happening in my life or in the world.  I am not talking about a Pollyanna type attitude, but an attitude of trust and reliance in God's providence. Maybe it is time to drop this bag of regrets I have been carrying around and just bask in the freedom of God's mercy and Love. 

National Day of Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. Last year I wrote a post about this day which falls on the first Thursday in May.  I think what I expressed there is still appropriate a year later.

http://learnfromthewildflowers.blogspot.com/2011/05/prayer.html

May Musings

Here is it is May.  Time flies by too fast, but in a way I am glad to see April gone. It's not that I don't like April, it's my favorite month, but there was so much going on that I didin't have time to relax.  There were birthdays (including mine), anniversaries (mine too), Easter, retreats, writing deadlines, tax deadlines, family obligations, work obligations, spring cleaning (not quite done yet), and of course wedding planning. 

So what does May have in store? It seems that things will be a bit easier on me this month and I can focus on a few important things, like my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord and His Blessed Mother. Last year I posted art work of Our Lady during the month of May and I hope to do the same this year. As I've said before, my relationship with Mary is sort of an on again/ off again thing. It's not that I do not honor her, but I just can't seem to make that connection that so many others seem to have achieved.

This past weekend I was on a parsih retreat and heard a talk about one woman's relationship with Our Lady.  The talk was beautiful, but I found myself a bit sad that I cannot feel that level of love and devotion. Even daily recitation of the Rosary does nothing to help in this regard.

Where I do find my connection to Our Lady is through art, particularly icons. An icon is a window to the enternal. They are meant to draw the viewer into the mystery that is presented in paint or moasic in two dimensions and lead us into deeper contemplation on those mysteries. The mystery of Mary leads me into deeper contemplation on her Son Jesus. And I guess that really is her purpose.

A Conversation About Saints

Tapestry at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, Los Angeles

This morning I was engaged in a very stimulating conversation on saints.  Since the beginning of Lent I have been meeting on Friday mornings in my living room with a small group from my home parish to watch Fr. Robert Barron's documentary series CATHOLICISM.  I can't praise this series enough and the episode we watched this morning was the one on the Communion of Saints.  If I had to choose my favorite episode of the entire series this would probably be it.

He begins by telling the story of from the Gospel of Luke (5:1-11) of the call of Simon. Simon and his companions were fishing all night and caught nothing. Jesus gets into Simon's boat, uninvited, orders him to go out to deep water and cast out their nets.  They haul in a tremendous catch of fish.  Jesus then tells Simon that he will now be a fisher of men.  Fr. Barron suggests that a saint is "someone who lets Jesus into their boat."  He calls this an "invasion of Grace." Those two phrases stuck with me the first time I saw this episode and they still resonate in me every time I view it. When the people in my living room heard this I could tell that this struck them as well. 

When I was young and in Catholic school, of course we learned about the saints, but I never thought much of them.  They were interesting and sometimes strange people who appeared to be so unlike anyone I could ever knew or could strive to be like. I didn't understand why people had a devotion to the saints when they could go straight to Jesus.  The saints were no more real to me than the plaster statues that some people had in their homes or that were in church.

All that changed after beginning graduate studies in theology, when I took a course on St. Thérèse of Lisieux. I, like Fr. Barron mentions in this episode, had read her autobiography but found it overly sentimental.  I found out through the course that many people only see that one side of Thérèse and that more recent editions of her book, Story of a Soul, based on unedited translations of her original manuscript, present a very complex and not a all sentimental young woman.  As I read her letters and her poetry, I came to appreciate this complexity and came to love her.  If I could change how I felt about Thérèse, what about other saints? So began a journey that continues today of reading the lives and writings of the saints.  They have become my friends.

Part of our conversation this morning centered around Fr. Barron's remark that we should all strive to be saints. We look at the lives of saints and we see their heroic virtue and think that we can't be like that.  Why not?  When I read or hear their stories, they were just ordinary people who let Jesus be the center of their lives. Isn't that what Jesus wants of us? I admit it is not easy, but was it easy for them?  And what's the alternative. If we don't become saints then what does that mean?  I don't even want to think about that. So we decided we all want to be saints, and hopefully all came away from this video and conversation with a clearer view on what it means to be a saint.  We decided to let Jesus into our boat and set out into deep water.

Called to Witness

The USCCB just released a new document titled "Disciples Called to Witness: The New Evangelization."  This document was created as a resourse for all Cathoics to become evangelizers, to invite newcomers to the faith and to reach out to "our missing brothers and sisters." We have been hearing about New Evangelization for quite a number of years. In the Apostolic Letter Novo Millennio Ineunte, which Pope John Paul II issued for the Jubilee Year 2000 he encouraged all Catholics to "direct our thoughts to the future." In this new text, the US bishops are encouraging all of us to take up the challenge to strengthen our own faith, and to share the Gospel message to those who have strayed or become lukewarm, to those who are Catholics in name only.

Having just downloaded the document this morning, I haven't had the chance to give it more than a quick read, but it puts much responsibility on we the laity.  Yes, the parish does have a responsibility to provide programs and education but we have the responsibility as Catholics to live as disciples of Christ, to be open to the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and to use those gifts to further the Kingdom of God. We need to be formed into disciples who know how to share our faith with others.

Sharing our faith is not something we Catholics have done well in recent times. During this Easter Season as we read from the Acts of the Apostles, we hear how the early disciples of Christ preached  Christ risen from the dead and brought many people to the faith.  You might say that they had the fire of the Holy Spirit within them, but so should we. It is the same Spirit that we received at our baptism, the same Spirit that we were sealed with at our Confirmation.

Before we can be effective evangelizers we need to equip ourselves with the tools to be great evangelizers. We need to be converted to Christ over and over again, reorienting our selves to Him. We need to fully engage ourselves in the sacramental and devotional life of the Church, we need to take advantage of educational opportunities and to spend time in prayer.

I think most of all we need to learn to tell our stories. We need to let others know what our faith has done and continues to do for us. We need to let others know what letting Christ into their life can do for them.  Not everyone will listen to us, and there is the possibility that people will label us as a bit odd. But in a sense we are odd in that we are different than others because we belong to Christ in a world where individualism , materialism, and secularism rule the lives of most people. Odd as we may appear, we need to overcome all obstacles to preach the truth of the Gospels not only in words but in how we live and how we invite others to experience Christ.

I am looking forward to sitting down this evening and giving the document a good read, and then take it to prayer so that I may work on becoming a more effective evangelizer and help others to be evangelizers as well. What a challenge!  I pray that Jesus will give me the strength and courage to heed His command to "go and make disciples of all nations," and to invite those who have drifted to come back to the Lord.

Another Anniversary

This time it's a big one...35 years married!  How can that be? I remember it like it was yesterday.  In fact it was the weekend after Easter, purposely chosen to be in the Octave of Easter, and it was so lovely with all the lilies. The wedding itself was beautiful but, and I can admit this now, liturgically it was not what I would do now.  It was the 70's, and, well, lets just say it was a time of liturgical experimentation, and as a member of the parish folk group I had all these great ideas as far as music.  I won't say what was sung at the Mass, but I didn't have an organ, only a guitar played by a very nice young woman who was probably very happy that she didn't have to sing anything too religious.  I chalk it up to the times. .

Back to the anniversary. Thirty-five years is a long time and we had our ups and downs and we're still together. Of course we are, we made a vow before God to stay together, something many people today don't take seriously.  We brought three wonderful children into the world and now are pondering what to do as empty nesters (well sort of).

Now I am in the process of preparing my daughter's wedding this coming October. They just finished pre-Cana and they understand that the vows they will take are serious and meant for life.  They understand that the wedding Mass is the most important part of preparing their wedding.  That's why liturgist Mom is doing most of the work (that and the fact that she lives 3,000 miles away from the parish where the wedding will take place).  She is choosing the readings but is allowing me to do the rest, with her approval of course.  And this time the music will be appropriate...and there will be no guitars.

By the way, we've put on a few pounds since that picture was taken 35 years ago. We are  grayer  (under my hair coloring), a bit of lines around the face, and maybe we are more tired at times. But we continue, knowing that a marriage is more than a social arrangement, more than just for the happy times. We have our health, but who knows what is around the corner and in what ways our vows will be tested as we grow old together.  All I know is that we have each other.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is the first anniversary of beginning to write this blog. As I wrote in that first post, my goal was to talk about a relationship with God that begins with trust.  As I look over the 128 posts of this past year, I think I have kept to that goal fairly well.  

I have had over 8,000 hits but over 2,000 of them were most likely from people who googled a winter scene I used in the post and just happened upon my blog. But I like to think that maybe some of them read it and perhaps it got them thinking about their relationship with God.  My second most viewed post was one I posted in March about faith.  Again it could have been the picture however I do hope they read the post.

The third most viewed post was not about the picture but about a quote from St. Augustine, "Behold what you are, become what you receive," which I posted on the Feast of Corpus Christi last June.  I know many came to that site looking for this specific quote as it showed in the blog stats.  It is my favorite quote on the Eucharist and one of my favorites from this great saint whose love of the Eucharist has inspired me in my own dedication to the Blessed Sacrament.

When I think about the first time I heard that quote when I first began to take basic courses in liturgy offered by our diocese, it jumped out at me.  "Behold what you are." I could reflect on that one part of the quote for years.  What am I?  Who am I?  Think about it. I am a child of God, a daughter of the Father through baptism, incorporated into Christ's Body, the Church. But is that all? I receive Communion almost daily, but what does that do for me?

Pope Benedict wrote in Deus Caritas Est: 

"In sacramental communion I become one with the Lord, like all the other communicants. As Saint Paul says, ‘Because there is one bread, we who are many are one body, for we all partake of the one bread’ (1 Cor 10:17). Union with Christ is also union with all those to whom He gives himself. We become ‘one body’, completely joined in a single existence. Love of God and love of neighbor are now truly united: God incarnate draws us all to Himself.”

This is what I "become", one with the Lord, "joined in a single existence," with Christ as the Head. As I wrote in my earlier post, that changed my life. I cannot view my existence in any other way, as long as I continue to be joined to His Body. The sad fact is that I can break that union, but Jesus is always calling me back into union with Him.  

It puzzles me how many Catholics can stay away from this wonderful Gift. I like to believe that they truly do not understand what the Eucharist is; that they don't understand Who it is that they receive in Holy Communion. I hope it is not because they just don't care.

If there is one thing that I would hope to do this coming year is to grow in my devotion to the Eucharist, but also to work on that other part of becoming "one body" that Pope Benedict mentions; love of God and love of neighbor joined together. Not only that, but I hope to help evangelize others to come to appreciate the Gift of Christ "who draws us all to Himself."

Getting Energized

These past two weeks have been the busiest weeks of the entire year. As any liturgist knows, preparing for the Triduum is all consuming and tests the stamina of even the strongest among us. As I approach another birthday, I realize that the rigors of Easter week and the Triduum take more of a toll on me physically than when I was younger.  I haven't had a full day off from work since March 30 and while I know that is not a good thing to do, I seem to be like a ball rolling downhill and can't stop.  I only hope I don't hit a brick wall.

Over the last two days I attended a meeting in Albany, NY, which meant that a day off will have to wait until next week sometime.  Yet despite a four hour drive each way, two days of meetings, sleeping in a tiny room in a convent and dealing with extreme heat (old nuns like it warm I guess), these past two days were very energizing and fulfilling.  

It seems that whenever liturgists get together there is always good conversation, a chance to verbalize frustrations, do some networking, and spend some good times over food and drink. This meeting was for Region 2  of the Federation of Diocesan Liturgy Commissions.  It's a national organization that works with the US Bishops Committee on Divine Worship in a number of ways that promote good liturgy in our dioceses.  Region 2 is the smallest in the Federation, only eight dioceses, all in NY State, but what we lack in number we make up for in determination and dedication.

The meeting was attended by nine liturgy commission members from around the state (2 priests and 7 lay people), and one guest who is working in evaluating the Federation.  His presence made for very stimulating discussion and we New Yorkers thoroughly enjoyed his Louisiana accent. But most of all, I believe that each and every one of us were able to reflect upon the importance of the job we do as liturgist.  Yes we are misunderstood and the butt of jokes, but we truly love God and the Church, and we believe that the Church's liturgy is truly the "work of the people" in the praise and worship of God. Our goal is to help others to come to that realization as well. 

Gathering together with other liturgists is a time for support. We all get frustrated with what we do at times, but each and every one of these wonderful people offer encouragement, new ideas or ways of approaching things, and the realization that we have someone we can lean on or call upon when things seem to be beyond our individual expertise.  Good friendships have been made, and all newcomers are made to feel welcome and just as important as those who have been around for years. We learn from each other and while we don't always agree on things on the regional and national level, we continue to work well together because our goal is not our own good but the good of the liturgy and ultimately bringing people to Christ. 

I won't be able to attend the national meeting in October (as it is the week before my daughter's wedding), but I know that I will be there in spirit and that any thoughts I contributed over these past two days or in e-mails during the year, will be considered by those who will attend.  Hopefully I will be able to join them at the annual meeting in 2013 and I look forward to our next spring regional meeting as well. Until then I know I will run into some of the members at other events or online, and this too keeps me going...and going...and going...

It's finally over...or is it?

I did something today that I haven't done in years. I went to work on Easter Monday. For most people that would not seem like a big deal, but for those who work in parish liturgy not taking Easter Monday off is well, just plain stupid.  After all, during Holy Week and the Triduum we work hugh numbers of hours overtime, run around as if we were in training for a marathon, eat on the run, deal with mishaps and emergencies, and spend hours at the copy machine.  If you happen to be a musician, you have no voice and don't want to go near a musical instrument for awhile. We are usually the last ones to leave the church on Easter and then we go home and crash...after doing the dishes (with lots of help from hubby).  So why on earth did I go to work today?

It seems that this year I just needed to be there to decompress instead of at home. I needed to wind down slowly instead of just crashing and sleeping most of the day. That got me thinking, Easter week is not a time to crash after the celebration of the Triduum. The Octave of Easter is a continuation of the great celebration of the Resurrection and we need to keep it going.

I was disappointed at how few people were at morning Mass compared to during Lent. No one was in the church the few times I went into it during the day. It was as if people were thinking, "Christ is risen, so now I can go back to my normal routine." But because Christ is risen there is a reason not to go back to normal.  We should have been changed, transformed by our Lenten experience and the celebration of the Resurrection should have heightened our desires to be with our God.

To be fair, Easter can be exhausting, and many people had large gatherings at home or drove long distances and needed to take a day off. Still, I hope the spiritual fervor and devotion that so many people experienced during Lent and the Triduum continues so that God may be glorified and praised continually and with great exuberance.

I wish all my readers a very happy and joyous Easter! And may your love of God grow stronger during this Easter season.